Chapter 5

When Paul got back to the office the first thing he did was call his wife. Whatever it was that Andrew and Monica were now facing, it served to remind him of just how incredibly lucky he was. Alex’s pregnancy had gone just like a chapter from Dr. Spock, and little Matthew had come out screaming and healthy at nearly nine pounds. The closest he had come to worrying about it was when Alex went a week overdue and nearly drove him crazy with her insistence that she "needed it out… now".

"Hey, Paul, what’s up?" Alex’s voice was cheery when she picked up the phone, recognizing her husband’s cell phone number on the caller ID.

"Just wanted to hear your voice," he replied. "How’s Matthew?"

"Well, your son decided that he would rather fuss and cry than take a nap," she said.

"Oh, so he’s my son, is he?"

"Well, he was. Then he fell asleep in my arms, so now he’s mine again. Go get yer own, buster."

He chuckled, but the laugh was subdued and Alex could sense something behind it.

"Paul, is something going on? I mean, not that I don’t love hearing from you."

Sighing he leaned back in his chair and rubbed at his eyes. "I just had to rush Andrew over to the doctor’s office. I don’t know the specifics but I guess Monica got some bad news about the baby. Bad enough that she couldn’t even drive."

"No… no… Paul, that can’t be right."

"Andrew was taking her back inside to talk to the doctor again and try to get to the bottom of it. Monica was too upset to really say much. Looked like she probably went into shock the moment the doc said something was wrong."

Alex slumped down in the chair beside Matthew’s crib, her eyes drifting to her own little boy, sleeping so soundly now. "I can’t believe it. I just can’t."

"Yeah, neither can I. Andrew said he’d call after they knew something, but frankly I’m not expecting to hear anything until tonight. I’m just praying that it’s something that sounded worse than it is."

"I’ll join you in those prayers," Alex said quietly.

"Alex?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Could you just… you know… give Matthew an extra little kiss from me?" It sounded so stupid but he needed to ask.

Her chest felt heavy and yet warm at the same time. "Of course I can, babe. Don’t stay too late tonight, okay?"

"No. I won’t."

*****

Andrew was very reluctant to leave Monica’s side, but he finally convinced her to leave the nursery and lie down for a little while, which gave him a chance to call the specialist. Half an hour later and he had convinced the receptionist and the doctor to attempt to rearrange the schedule and fit them in. He hung up the phone with their promise to call by five still in his ear.

That was when he picked up the phone to call Paul. His best friend, and Monica’s substitute protector, deserved to know what was going on.

"Paul Gatlin," the normal clipped tones greeted Andrew.

"Paul, it’s me. I’m at home with Monica."

"Andrew! What happened? How is she? How is the baby?"

The angel had to take a breath and sit down before he could even start. He hadn’t expected to get emotional just repeating what he knew, but for some reason he felt his chest tightening. He gripped the phone and closed his eyes briefly.

"Monica’s all right. The baby… she has a problem… we need to see a specialist, hopefully tomorrow, but Wednesday at the latest."

"Oh God. A problem? What do you mean? Is it serious?"

"A cyst on her lungs, and it could be very serious. It could require surgery."

"You mean when she’s born?"

"No. Right now. But we don’t know if it’s that bad. She might be able to carry to term with no problems and minimal intervention."

Paul was shaking his head and he waved away another agent who stuck his head into the office. "Andrew… I can’t even begin to say how sorry…"

"You don’t need to," Andrew said. "I already know."

"Whatever you need, buddy. You’ve got it. I’m assuming you won’t be in work for a few days."

"No, I don’t want to leave Monica right now." He was about to say that she needed him, but he corrected himself. "We need each other right now. I hope you won’t have any trouble finding someone to pick up the slack."

"Don’t even think about it. We’re going to arrest this Scott guy and that’ll be the end of it."

"Thanks, Paul. And Paul… do you think you could tell Alex?" Andrew didn’t feel like he could tell anyone else right at the moment.

"Of course, Andrew. I know she’ll want to do anything she can too. You probably want to spend the night alone, but if not… just call, buddy."

"Yeah. Right now I think we just need to be alone, but we’ll probably be taking you up on the offer soon enough."

"Take care of yourself… and her," Paul said gently.

"I will, Paul. I will."

*****

"Four-thirty?" Alex checked her watch and then looked at her husband again in surprise, "Either you solved your case or it really does snow in hell on occasion."

His wife’s remark brought a smile to his face that didn’t even begin to reach his eyes, "Neither…at least I don’t think so. Haven’t heard the most recent weather report for way down under. Just felt the need to get home."

Alex’s smile faded and she looked at him almost fearfully, "You heard from Andrew."

He nodded as he moved to sit down beside of her on the couch and pulled her close to him, "The baby has a cyst on her lung that may require surgery."

"After Monica delivers?"

"No. Before."

Her eyes widened and she shook her head as if not believing what she was hearing, "That means Monica has to undergo surgery as well. Paul…"

He saw the worried tears that filled her eyes and wrapped his other arm around her in a loving hug, "I know, babe. They’re hopefully seeing a specialist tomorrow," A sigh escaped him as he continued, "I’ve never heard Andrew quite so upset. He could barely talk about it."

"I feel terrible," She said softly, leaning against him, "Do they need anything? Is there anything we can do?"

"He said no, but I really hate just sitting here," With those words, he watched as his wife got to her feet, "Alex?"

"Keep an eye on Matthew. It won’t take me but half an hour to whip up a pan of lasagna to take over to them. We don’t have to stay if they want to be alone, but I’m sure neither of them are going to feel like eating enough to actually cook anything."

Paul smiled as she hurried out to the kitchen, loving her tender heart. He knew she wouldn’t want to stay if she detected that their friends wanted to be alone, but at the very least she wanted them to know how much they were thinking of them.

*****

Andrew laid awake that night staring, unseeing into the darkness of their bedroom, having a feeling that his wife, though lying perfectly still in his arms was not sleeping either. The Gatlin’s visit had nearly been just what the doctor ordered as it had offered a distraction from what had been consuming their thoughts all afternoon and evening. Even Monica had perked up a little bit as they had all laughed at Matthew’s fruitless attempts to feed himself, but then the little angel seemed to have realized that she may never get the chance to laugh at the antics of their own daughter. Andrew had nearly missed the tears that she had been furiously blinking back before she excused herself briefly and when she had returned, she had been much more subdued.

Andrew had spent the afternoon while Monica had been napping researching hydrops on the internet and much of what he found was optimistic, until he considered it from the angle of watching his own wife and daughter going through the surgery. There were so many risks involved, not to mention that Monica would undoubtedly be on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy if surgery was the answer. He hadn’t discussed any of it with her, despite his oath to make sure they were well educated before going to the specialist. Then again, Monica wasn’t asking either.

"You can’t sleep either," Her whispered statement disturbed his thoughts and he tightened his arm around her.

"No, I suppose I can’t, angel."

"The appointment is at ten forty-five?"

"Yeah."

"I’m scared."

Her words were barely audible and Andrew kissed the top of her head, "I know, baby. So am I."

"What if we lose her, Andrew?"

His jaw clenched as she voiced the possibility that had been running through his head for the past three hours as he struggled for an answer, "Sweetheart, if the worst happens…there’s nothing to say that we won’t be blessed with another baby. Maybe God just has other plans for this one."

"I don’t want Him to have other plans for her," Monica’s voice trembled as her fingers stretched out over her stomach, "I want her. I want your other little angel girl."

Andrew closed his eyes, almost convinced he could feel the pain she was feeling combining with his own in his heart. "So do I, baby," He felt her inch up to bury her face against the nape of his neck and his fingers instinctively worked into her hair. "I could have never imagined how I could love someone so much that I’ve never even seen or held in my arms, but I do," He whispered into her ear. "But yet, when I think about it, it all makes perfect sense. She’s a part of you, angel."

"And you," She uttered, looking up at him through teary eyes, "She’s a symbol of our love for each other, so if she dies, what does that say about it?" She knew she was overreacting, but she felt so completely hopeless; as if everything she had believed in had been snatched away in an hour on a wintry afternoon.

He cupped her cheek in his hand and she could see his eyes flashing, even in the darkness of the room, "It says that our love for each other can see us through anything, Monica. That’s what it says. When you were raped, you didn’t think you would ever be able to get through that, but you did…we did and we did it together, just like we always have. God never promised us an easy road, angel, but He did promise He would always be there and that He would give us what we needed. He gave me you, Monica and if we lost everything else we have in this life, just knowing I have you…I know that we’ll be all right."

She was quiet for a moment as he caught the tears that fell, "You’re right. Deep in my heart, I know you’re right and I know I’d never want to go another day without you. I know I need to be stronger-."

"Baby, you are perfect, just as you are," Andrew interrupted, with a finger to her lips, "It’s okay to be afraid. Hell, I’m afraid! But we take this one step at a time and we take those steps together. I love you, angel, and when you don’t feel strong, I will hold you up. That’s what marriage is about."

"And I’ll do the same for you."

"I know you will. You always have," He kissed her gently and then guided her head back to his chest, "We need to let tomorrow take care of itself. Tonight, we need to sleep."

Monica closed her eyes as she listened to his heart beat beneath her ear, just as she felt their daughter moving within her. Wordlessly, she took her husband’s hand and placed it against her stomach as they felt the antics of their own child. As Andrew linked his fingers through hers, Monica finally drifted off to sleep.

She woke with the sun but stayed absolutely still, eyes closed, taking slow and easy breaths. As much as she wanted the horrible waiting to be over, a part of her was afraid to find out anymore. She already knew enough to be scared, and she was terrified that this new doctor would give them even worse news.

What if it was already too late? What if there was nothing that could be done? Would she be able to keep her promise to Andrew? Without even realizing it she pressed her hand against her stomach, feeling a slight movement as the baby seemed to wake. She couldn’t imagine being without her.

Motherhood had always seemed like a sort of foreign concept, one which she only hoped she would be able to grasp with time. Now she knew that she had arrived. She knew it because she knew she would gladly give up her own life to keep her daughter alive, even though she knew that such a trade would be unthinkable to her husband.

Andrew shifted slightly beneath her and she reluctantly blinked her eyes open to find them instantly captured by his. A look of shared pain passed between them before she lowered her eyes and toyed with the edge of the sheet.

"Have you been awake long?" he asked, already guessing the answer.

"A while."

"Do you think you can eat something? You really should. You need to stay as healthy as possible."

"Just something light, okay?"

He nodded in understanding. "How about just some toast with jam and some of that tea that Tess brought last time?"

"Yes… I think I could handle that."

"All right. You just sit tight and I’ll go get it."

"No… I’ll get up." She raised one eyebrow as she said, "I have a feeling that no matter what else happens, I’ll be seeing more of this bedroom than I want to."

He didn’t reply other than to gather her robe from the back of the bathroom door and then hold it open as she slipped into it. He carefully released her hair from the collar and then kissed the side of her neck.

"And whatever else happens, I will be right here to support you," he whispered.

She swallowed hard as she took his hand in hers tightly, then led him from the room.

*****

Andrew liked Dr. Klein immediately. She was certainly knowledgeable and tried her best to put them at ease by explaining things as simply as possible. However, as he watched Monica’s small body disappear into the long tunnel of the MRI machine he realized that no matter who the doctor was, he would never be able to completely trust them.

He had already watched her go through an amniocentesis to determine if there was something else wrong with the baby, which had caused the cyst. Her fear of needles had caused all blood to drain from her face at the mere sight of the one that needed to pass through her and into the baby. Yet she had held herself together with hardly a whimper. Then, yet another ultrasound had brought her close to tears as the doctor pointed out the problem and she saw with new eyes the baby that she had always assumed was perfection itself. Still, she had swallowed down the knot in her throat, simply gripping Andrew’s hand a bit tighter.

His eyes never wavered as he waited for the sliding bed to reemerge and the doctor to lead his wife back to him. Her strength amazed him, and he longed to take her back to their home where he could wrap her in his arms and allow her to be weak, just for a little while.

They had already been told that the chances of the baby needing surgery were great. Monica was approaching twenty-eight weeks and if they didn’t perform it before then it became increasingly dangerous for both her and the baby. Now it seemed that Dr. Klein was just trying to determine which surgery would be needed. There were two possibilities. In the first, a small tube would be inserted into the baby’s chest to continuously drain the fluid from the cyst. Dr. Klein said that results had been very positive. The second surgery involved partially removing her from the womb and actually removing the growth from her lung. It was riskier but the only alternative if the mass proved to be more solid than they thought.

Monica had kept going back to the idea of simply aspirating the cyst with a long needle. It required no surgery and put the baby at less risk, but unfortunately the cyst usually refilled. Dr. Klein was trying to discourage that line of thinking. Monica was already so far along that she feared if the cyst were to reform, it would be too late to do anything else. She didn’t want to dwell on it, but the possibility existed that if that happened the baby’s illness would only continue to progress, and carrying her to term would certainly put Monica’s life at risk.

Deep inside the machine, Monica concentrated on keeping her breathing steady as the humming sound of the MRI at work filled her ears while the dull glow made her feel as if she had suddenly been transported into one of the science fiction movies that Andrew liked to watch. She was just praying that the cyst would turn out to be all fluid and then she would be able to convince Andrew and the doctor to just drain it from the outside. Yes, it could refill, but she didn’t care. She would have it done as many times as it took. They could turn her into a pincushion and she wouldn’t say a word of complaint just as long as the baby was all right. Anything had to be safer than surgery.

*****

"Please, have a seat," Dr. Klein welcomed Andrew and Monica back into her office after their trip to the MRI and another stop in the waiting room. The looks on their faces she had unfortunately seen many times before, but that was why she was there; to try and give them options and take away those looks.

Andrew rested his hand on Monica’s shoulder briefly before he took a seat next to her. He was about to open his mouth to speak when Monica beat him to it.

"You have the results back? You know what to do?" she asked, a mere hint of the desperation she was feeling seeping through.

Dr. Klein took a breath as Andrew reached over to take hold of Monica’s hand. "Yes, we do have the results from the amnio and the MRI, and we have at least some good news. The amnio was perfect, no sign of any inherent birth defects or genetic abnormalities. Unfortunately CCAM is not only rare, but very random, and your baby just happens to be affected by it." Monica and Andrew both nodded, though Dr. Klein could see a bit of relief pass over them. "The MRI results were not quite as good as I hoped for. The mass is largely fluid but there is a small amount of hardening that will eventually need to be removed."

"But couldn’t that wait until after she’s born?" Monica asked. "Dr. Carter said that sometimes they can be just fine until then. Maybe if we just drain it and I follow every instruction you give me… maybe…" her words trailed off as Andrew rubbed his thumb over the top of her hand and Dr. Klein looked at her sadly.

"I’m sorry, Monica, but I simply can’t advise that."

"But couldn’t it just go away? Couldn’t it shrink on its own?" she was almost pleading.

"Yes, that is always a possibility, but this came on very suddenly for you, and you are already in your twenty-sixth week. Right now your baby is holding her own, but that could change, and if it does… even if she manages to keep going, it will be at your expense."

Monica bit her lip and Andrew looked over at her, his eyes begging her to stop pushing for something that would only hurt her in the end.

"I’m truly sorry, but I don’t want you holding onto the false hope that this will magically disappear. We have very viable options with good success rates, and I think that either one could help in your case."

"But…" Monica took a long breath and refused to look at her husband, concentrating instead on the doctor’s face. "Couldn’t we wait just a little while and see what happens?"

Dr Klein sighed and shared a quick glance with Andrew before answering. "I can’t schedule you for surgery for another week anyway. We are running at capacity already right now. So I will want to see you back here in one week. If there is no improvement then we will need to discuss which surgery will have the greatest chance of success." She passed two large folders over the desk to Andrew. "This is all the information on both surgeries, just so that you can be well-informed." She looked at Monica and held her gaze for a long moment. "Monica, even if there is improvement, I will be running a series of calculations on all of the information we have gathered about you and the baby so far. Depending on those results I can give an accurate prediction as to whether the baby will develop full-blown hydrops. I am telling you now, that if that is the case, waiting and hoping and praying will only make things worse… for both of you. Please. Take this week to consider that. I know that you are only seeing it as a risk right now, but it is a calculated risk to save both of you."

Monica could only nod her head at first, but then she swallowed and whispered, "I know. I know you are just trying to help. Thank you."

"This is a hard time for all of you and I understand that. I am here to answer your questions and help you. Try to remember that."

"We will, Dr. Klein," Andrew said as he slowly stood up. "Thank you very much. We’ll see the receptionist for another appointment on the way out." Then he gently guided Monica to her feet and wrapped a protective arm around her as they left.

"Are you going into work?"

It was the first words his wife had spoken since they had left the doctor’s office and Andrew was more than a little surprised with her choice, "I wasn’t planning on it, angel."

"Would you mind dropping me off at the station? I’d like to listen to the playback of today’s show, so I’m prepared for tomorrow. Sometimes the issues from one day carry over to the next." She spoke so matter of factly and he was relieved when he caught a red light so he could look at her in complete shock.

"Monica, I don’t think…"

"What would you have me do, Andrew?" There was a hard edge to her voice though her anguish was thinly veiled in her dark eyes, "Sit at home and agonize over this? Cry? It won’t do any good. I don’t have any say in what happens."

His heart was suddenly pounding out of his chest. This was not the reaction he had anticipated, though he understood it only too well. He had seen her attempts to hide before when she simply couldn’t cope with the feelings that were harbored in her heart, only this time he didn’t know if pushing would harm or help, "What do you mean, you don’t have any say? Monica, we need to talk, we need to decide-."

"It’s already been decided, Andrew! We can’t keep aspirating the cyst as it could be too harmful to me and you’ve already made me promise not to take any chances, so we’re having surgery, despite the fact that it could kill her." Her tone bordered on bitter, but she felt cornered. Suddenly in her near perfect world, all the rules had been changed and no one had bothered to consult her about it. She had never felt quite so angry and though she knew it wasn’t at her husband, Andrew, unfortunately, was the one present, "Please," Monica added, more softly, "Just take me to the station. I need to do something that feels normal and right now…I can’t do that with you."

Her heart felt as if it were breaking as she saw the hurt flash in his eyes before the light turned green and he accelerated once more. She was a horrible person. When it came to being human, she was completely clueless and selfish and had just hurt the one person she loved most in this world. But at the same time, she needed distance from this entire thing and unfortunately, that meant from Andrew as well. Her own pain was mirrored in his eyes and she just felt unable to see it right now.

Andrew’s jaw was clenched and his knuckles were white from clutching the steering wheel, but he honored her request and drove to the station. Pulling up in front, he looked over at her and waited for her to face him before stating softly, "Baby, you know I’m not the enemy here."

Monica’s eyes welled up with hot tears as she gave a tiny nod, knowing if she was going to speak, she’d have to do it before her throat closed off and made it impossible, "In my heart, I know that, but….I’d give my life for her, Andrew, without a second thought and the easier alternative for her, which may not even cause me any harm, is not an option for you."

He closed his eyes, her words tearing at his heart, "Monica, surely you understand why."

"I do," She whispered brokenly, "And that’s what makes this twice as hard.," Forcing back her tears, she opened the door,"I’ll catch a ride home from someone here."

Monica walked into the station knowing that going to the booth to set herself up with the tape would not be a good idea right now. Her tears were pushing forward and she was running out of strength to contain them, so she switched directions and headed to the break room, grateful to find it empty. She covered her face with her hands to muffle the sobs, her shoulders shaking with the intensity of them and her daughter seeming to sense her grief, movd within her and only worsened the deep pain in her heart. The baby was so much a part of her. How could she not do what was best for her?

"Monica?"

Ray’s voice caused her head to jerk up as she hastily wiped at her eyes, but seeing the sympathetic look in his own, caused her to quit trying to cover her grief. He reached into his pocket and pressed a hankerchief into her hand as he pulled a chair closer to her and sat down, reaching for her hands. He was patient and remained silent until she began to calm and only then did he speak.

"What happened today, Monica?" She had called him last night to explain what was going on and that she would have to miss work for the appointment and he had spent the day worrying and praying that she and Andrew would receive good news. Obviously, that had not been in God’s plan.

Monica shook her head, still trying to rein in her emotions, "I think…I think there’s going to have to be surgery to remove the cyst from her lung, Ray. They don’t know if she’ll survive the surgery…well, they think she will, but it’s risky and I don’t want to risk her!"

He nodded his head, taking in what she had told him and deciding on the best way to soothe her, "Is surgery the only option?"

"No. They could aspirate the cyst, but think it will only refill and if they keep aspirating it, it poses a danger to me and Andrew won’t even consider it." She blinked and more tears fell as she continued honestly, "The doctor doesn’t like that option either, but neither of them have her growing inside of them!" Her voice dropped to a whisper as she looked up into his eyes, "I’d give my life for hers, Ray."

"Monica, it isn’t yours to give," The words were gentle but left little room for argument, "God gives life and it isn’t up to us to decide when it is over."

"Ray, I’m not talking about anything drastic…I feel fine now, and I could stay fine," She replied stubbornly. "Andrew has always been overly protective of me and this is just one more time-."

Leaning back in his chair the pastor raised an eyebrow in her direction, "I would think that being concerned over you losing your life is completely valid, Monica. If I recall correctly, it wasn’t that long ago that the tables were turned and you know how you felt when you worried about the sniper endangering your husband."

"I know that and I understand why he feels that way. I do…" Her voice trailed off. She felt completely confused and realized that there were no easy answers. The day the sniper had targeted Andrew, she would have done anything in her power to save him as she was unable to imagine being without him.

Would she have placed not only herself but her baby in danger if the sniper had placed her in that position; if Andrew’s life had hung in the balance? Monica lowered her eyes, already knowing the answer. She could never have made a conscious decision to chose between her husband and their unborn child. She just would have reacted and prayed that they all emerged on the other side of danger safely. That’s what Andrew was doing now. Focusing on the safest passage for all of them. No route was risk free, but by God’s grace, they would all end up healthy and together. She had been looking for a guarantee for their daughter, but there were none. Not even placing her own life more at risk guaranteed the baby would survive and if the worst happened, Andrew lost everything. Finally understanding what he had to be feeling caused another soft sob to escape her.

She turned her eyes up towards Ray, and he knew what she was about to say. "I need to get home."

Monica wondered if Andrew would even be there or if he had gone into work in order to occupy his mind from the fact that she had hurt him. He was always there for her and now when they had needed to help each other, she had pushed him away and the guilt and shame in her heart were physically painful.

"I’m heading out. Do you need a ride?" Seeing her nod, Ray grabbed his coat and then helped Monica to her feet, "You know, this is the season of miracles. I’ll be praying that you, Andrew and your daughter get one this year." He saw the faint beginnings of a smile from her and then turned more serious, "When we walk out of here, Monica, you are officially on a leave of absence until either six weeks after surgery or six weeks after delivery," Seeing her startled expression, he rested a hand on her shoulder, "Your job is secure, so don’t worry about that. I couldn’t have another co-host when I already have the best, but you need to focus on yourself right now and not on everyone else’s problems. Be with Andrew, Monica, and talk to God. They are what you need right now, but make sure you keep me in the loop."

"I will. I promise," She had thought she would feel angry at being forced from the station until all of this was over, but instead Ray’s decision was met with peace. He was right. She had her health to focus on and on being strong enough to do well through surgery and after for the sake of the baby. She not only owed that to her but to Andrew as well.

Chapter 6

Monica turned and gave Ray a little wave as she unlocked the front door, and he smiled encouragingly before pulling out of the driveway. She followed him with her eyes until he reached the corner, hesitating on the threshold of her own house. It wasn’t until he turned left and drove out of sight that she took a breath and finally stepped inside.

She kicked her shoes off and dropped her pocketbook onto the table next to the door, then poked her head into the living room, looking for signs of her husband. He wasn’t there and she walked through the room as she shrugged out of her coat. The door into the study was ajar and she made her way towards it, not sure if she should be calling out her arrival or not. When she pushed the door open fully and looked inside her heart almost thudded to a halt in her chest.

Andrew was seated at the desk, but he wasn’t looking at the computer, or anything else on it. Instead his chair was spun around to face the windows that looked out onto the backyard. She could see that he was clutching a picture in his hand, holding it so tightly that the veins on the back of his hand stood out. None of that stole her breath away, though. No, what shocked her was the way his shoulders were shaking. He was crying. In all the years she had known him, she had never once seen him cry. Yes, there had been a tear here or there, usually shed on her account, but nothing like this. The sight of it tore at her heart and she cried out his name as she raced around the desk and dropped to her knees beside him.

"Andrew… please… I’m here… I’m sorry…"

He didn’t say a word, just dropped the photograph and pulled her up and onto his lap, burying his face in her neck, his tears hot against her skin. She wrapped her arms around him and held on tightly, feeling tears spring to her own eyes and she had to concentrate to understand the words he was finally beginning to say.

"I’m sorry, Monica… I’m so sorry," he cried brokenly. "I love her… I swear to God, Monica, I love her with my whole heart. How could I not? She is our child… our little baby… but I can’t… I just can’t lose you. Even if it’s just for this lifetime, I can’t… I wouldn’t be whole without you. Please… please understand. I’ll do whatever it takes to save her… if we have to go anywhere in the world, I’ll do it, I will… just please don’t ask me to risk losing you too. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her, Monica… I love her so much… You have to believe me…"

"I do," she whispered into his ear. His words had come out in an emotional rush, one tumbling right after the other, but hers were sure and steady, breaking through into his distraught mind. "I believe you. I know how much you love her, Andrew. You don’t have to convince me… I know."

He raised his head and his stormy green eyes met hers, reading the truth that was written there. Then he leaned in and kissed her, one hand against her cheek, fingers stretching back into her hair, memorizing the taste of her all over again. When the kiss ended he relaxed against the back of the chair and Monica continued to hold him tightly as she rested her head against his shoulder.

"I shouldn’t have pushed you away like I did," she said quietly. "This isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault, and I made you feel like it was. I told you that I didn’t think you were the enemy, and then I pulled away from you… I’m so sorry, Andrew. I… I made you cry… and I will never forgive myself for that…"

Andrew gently stroked one hand through her hair. "That wasn’t your fault, baby, and I’m sorry you walked in on it. You didn’t need to see that." He closed his eyes against the swell of emotion in his chest. "I’m supposed to be keeping us strong."

"We’re supposed to be keeping each other strong," she corrected.

She shifted position to bend over and pick up the picture he had been holding. It was one that Alex had taken of them just a few weeks earlier. She was sitting on the sofa in the living room, leaning back, her belly prominently displayed, and Andrew was leaning into her, his ear pressed against it, with an enormous grin on his face. As she stared at it she felt her hand begin to tremble slightly and then Andrew was taking it from her fingers and placing it on the desk.

"I want to have lots more pictures of the three of us," Andrew said softly.

"So do I." Her voice cracked slightly and she worried her lip between her teeth.

"I know how much the idea of surgery scares you, but I’ve been reading all the information I can, and I really think the doctor is right. It’s best for both of you, Monica."

"I know," she replied quietly. "I’m just… I’m just so scared for her…"

Andrew bent his head and kissed her forehead. "I’m scared for both of you," he said, "but I have to believe that God is watching everything that is going on with us right now. In fact, I think He’s watching us even more closely than when we were angels. He’s watching, and He is going to help guide us through this."

"I believe that too. It’s just hard sometimes… when I can’t actually hear Him."

"I still hear Him," Andrew said simply. "Every time I hear your heartbeat… I can hear Him whispering how much He loves all of us." He let his hand drift to his wife’s stomach and had to swallow hard when the baby immediately kicked out against him.

"She knows her daddy," Monica said with a watery smile.

He pressed harder and let his cheek rest against the top of Monica’s head. "And I can’t wait to meet her."

They remained silent for a few moments before Monica spoke in a soft whisper, "I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m just so afraid and I know you are too. I thought I needed to step away from it for awhile, but I couldn’t, because that meant stepping away from you…I…" She raised her head and laid a hand against his face, "I didn’t think you understood, but I was so wrong. Ray reminded me of how I felt when the sniper was out there and targeting you. The mere thought of something happening to you was more than I could bear. You’re so much a part of me, Andrew. You’re my best friend, my soulmate…" Tears welled up in her eyes and his loving gaze became blurred, "Those things have always been so and didn’t change with falling in love with you…with falling more in love with you every day…I’m so sorry I hurt you…that I didn’t think…"

He silenced her with a tender kiss as his hand moved to her cheek, feeling her tears trickle down between his fingers, the kiss letting her know that no apology was necessary, "I love you so much, angel," He uttered huskily before his lips found hers once more as he swept her up in his arms and carried her up the stairs to their bedroom.

Andrew laid her down on the bed gently and their gazes locked, eyes filled with a dozen different emotions. Pain, fear, need, and longing all battled for the front line, but above it all was a love and commitment to each other that was so great and so eternal it took their breaths away. He undressed her slowly, leaving tender caresses every place he touched and once she lay bare beside of him, his hands moved to span across her belly.

"Be strong for me, baby angel girl. Your mommy and I love you very much. I already know you’re a little fighter, because you’re just like your mom."

The little angel was unable to help but cry as she uttered his name and Andrew responded to her and moved back up to her face. "I love you…" She sobbed softly, even as he kissed away her tears, "Andrew…just so much…so much…"

His fingers traced along her face, brushing lightly through her bangs, "Angel, you’re the most perfect love I ever could have asked for," He whispered, his voice soothing her soul, "You’re my every thought, baby, my every breath, the better part of my soul and the keeper of my heart," Andrew swallowed hard, all the things he felt for her rising to the surface in one powerful wave of emotion, "I’ve decided something…while I will treasure every second of every minute of every hour that we are together like this on this earth….it will not be enough, angel. The rest of eternity won’t even be enough time for me to share all the things I want to share with you, and learn about you. This human life we have been given is not perfect, but so many of the day to day moments that make it up are perfect. Like cooking dinner with you and watching your face light up when I come home from work." He could see the tears welling up in her dark eyes once more as her hands clutched at his arms and he kissed her again with more passion, "Making love to you and waking up with you in my arms every morning. It has made me realize that human life can be damn near perfect, because I have the most perfect partner to share it with."

Monica choked back a sob, wanting to tell him a million different things, but all she could manage was, "Love me, Andrew… please."

His kiss took her breath away, though it was not demanding, but deep and tender. Her fingers trembled as they unbuttoned his shirt, allowing her to explore the strength of his chest once more, feeling the subtle ripple of muscle and the strong arms that always held her just right and made her feeling perfectly safe. His hand remained on her face, while the other stroked down her body lightly, each curve familiar and committed to memory.

When his hand finally rested upon her breast, Monica silently arch into his hand, her body trembling and aching for his touch. His tongue grazed over the full mound delicately while he cupped the other in his hand, his thumb brushing over the stiff peak. He took his time, lingering and worshipping this incredible creature who had so long ago stolen his heart. Words of love and loyalty poured from her lips as her fingers clutched at his shoulders to urge him on.

Making a path of soft kisses back up her body, Andrew found her lips once more and when her mouth opened in invitation, he accepted and their tongues danced intimately, slowly. The stress of the day kept them from rushing or teasing as they gave of themselves willingly, needing the quiet time to just reconnect and pledge once again their devotion to each other.

A soft moan escaped Monica’s lips as Andrew’s hand moved down her body to her warm folds, where he stroked gently as his lips traced a line up to her ear. Her fingers stroked through his hair, loving him so much it made her heart ache and she turned her head to kiss his cheek and then his temple before capturing his face to meet his gaze once more. She held it, her dark eyes speaking volumes as she took in every aspect of his handsome face. The love in her eyes caused his breath to catch in his throat and his fingers stilled briefly, lost in the moment, the only sound that of their breathing.

"God, how I love you," Andrew finally uttered, ducking his head to kiss her once more as his fingers resumed their pleasure making motion. He stroked the length of her, brushing up against the sensitive little nub and just barely seeking entrance until she was pleading with him.

"Please, Andrew…I want you inside of me. Please. I need to feel you.." Feeling him push slowly into her, a sigh escaped her lips as she closed her eyes, feeling him move within her in a connection that could never be broken. He stroked her slowly, wanting to draw it out for both of them, but several moments later, their bodies were speaking for them as Monica moved against him, urging him to complete her. His own need was straining but he held off, waiting until she neared the edge and as she fell from it, he joined her, filling her and drawing out every last sensation.

As she lay cradled up against his body, her head against his shoulder, she wrapped her arm around him and gave a tight squeeze, "I’ll never leave you, Andrew. I promise."

He closed his eyes briefly and as she drifted off into an exhausted sleep, he watched over her, finding great peace simply in watching her sleep.

*****

Paul slammed the file down on his desk and pushed back, throwing his head back and shaking it in frustration. At least he had managed to keep himself from hurling the papers across the room. Wasn’t it bad enough that his best friends were going through hell? Now he couldn’t even put this damn case to bed. They had been so certain that Scott Baker was the one, but now he just had no idea.

"Bad afternoon?"

Paul looked up and saw Alex leaning against the doorjamb. Her arms were crossed over the bundle of files she was trying to sort through before her last day of work.

"You might say that."

"I thought you said you had the guy? Isn’t he down in holding right now?"

Paul’s face was a study in frustration. "We had to cut him lose."

"But she’d made out police reports against him! He even admitted it!"

"Yeah, well that’s not what he’s saying now. He’s swearing up and down that he wasn’t the one who was crank calling her, and he’s got a boss who told us he was in work across town when her tires were slashed."

"Then why did he tell her that he was the one calling?"

"He says he was just playing her to piss her off."

The look on Alex’s face told exactly what she thought about that, but "Fucking asshole," she felt the need to add.

"Yeah, pretty much."

Seeing how upset her husband already was, she really didn’t want to ask, but she needed to know. "Have you heard anything?"

Her cocked eyebrow let him know that she had switched to a completely different subject.

"No," he responded grimly.

Alex let out a long breath and shook her head sadly. "It can’t be good news," she said quietly.

"No, I don’t think so."

"Damn. I just… I can’t believe it. It isn’t right, Paul. There are so many kids out there who are abused and unwanted. Hell, we see way to many ourselves! This baby would be so loved… so cared for. Why would God want to stop that from happening?"

Paul was surprised to see the shine of unshed tears in his wife’s eyes, and he stood up and crossed the room, pulling her gently into the office and shutting the door as he wrapped his arms around her.

"I don’t think the Big Guy is doing this to hurt them, or the baby," he said slowly.

"I know that… I mean, I guess I know that… but it still doesn’t make any sense."

"Not to us maybe, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t some reason behind it."

Alex held on to Paul with one arm and kept her eyes tightly shut. "It could have been us, Paul. It could have been Matthew." The words were so choked off that he barely heard them.

"I know, baby. I know."

"We have to do something," Alex said suddenly, pulling back and giving her head a little shake. "I don’t know what… but something." She was back to hugging her files close to her chest, knuckles white. "Just think, a couple of weeks ago I was asking you for baby shower suggestions…"

"And you will be again. C’mon, Alex. They’re going to be all right… all of them."

"That’s what I’m praying for, Paul. I’m praying for that harder than anything."

Paul could see that this was one time where prayers weren’t going to be enough to keep Alex happy. "How about this," he started, "You go finish going through your paper work and I’ll give Andrew a call and just see if they’re up for company. Meet me back here in an hour and we’ll pick up some dinner from that place Monica likes and head over there."

Alex leaned forward and kissed Paul on the cheek. "Thank you, Paul. I wanted to call… but I was kind of afraid to."

"Afraid?"

"I saw the look in Monica’s eye when she was playing with Matthew the other day," she tried to explain. "I just… I didn’t want to have her pick up the phone… I didn’t want to remind her…"

Paul met her gaze and held it. "You are her closest friend, Alex. You don’t need…"

"Just thank you," she cut him off.

He decided to let it drop and instead put his hands on her shoulders and guided her to the door. "Okay. You’re welcome. Now go get your work done. One hour."

"One hour," she repeated, and then headed down the hall to her office.

*****

Picking up the telephone, Paul dialed the number from memory, hoping that now was a good time to call and he was surprised when Andrew answered on the first ring, "Hey buddy. Monica sleeping?" He assumed as much judging by the soft tone of his friend’s voice.

"Soundly," Andrew replied, gazing down at the little angel in his arms who had not even stirred when the telephone had rung. Her breathing remained slow and steady, one more indication that today had emotionally exhausted her.

Paul was reluctant to ask, but knew he had to find out, "What happened with the doctor today?"

"It’s looking like surgery, Paul, for both of them. We don’t go back until next week and if things look the same or worse, that will be the plan of action."

"How soon would that happen?" His expression was grim, hating that they were going through this.

"Very. If Monica gets any further along in the pregnancy, it won’t be an option."

"How is she doing with this?"

"She’s terrified, more for the baby than for herself."

"Well, that’s Monica for you. And you?"

"Equally terrified for them both," He replied quietly, knowing that Paul fully understood the implications behind his words.

"I can imagine," He waited a beat and then continued, "Listen, I don’t know if you two are in the mood for company, but we’d love to see you both. We’ll pick up dinner on the way."

"I think that is a great idea, Paul," The last thing he wanted was Monica doing nothing more than dreading what was lying before them and the Gatlins’, Alex especially, always proved to be a distraction.

"Good. I’ll call in the order and we’ll be there in about an hour and a half. We have a few things to finish up here first."

"How are things going with the case?" He nearly had to force himself to ask. Yes, he still wanted the man caught but it was suddenly the least of his worries right now.

"You know, buddy, I don’t want you even thinking about it. You have much more important things to be focused on at the moment," He heard Andrew’s relieved sigh and he frowned. Clearly the fact that he knew the order of importance of things needed to be reinstated to his angelic friend, "We’ll see you shortly."

"Thanks, Paul."

*****

By the time Paul and Alex arrived, Monica was awake, though an aura of tiredness was clearly etched into her delicate features, along with a tension that was mirrored in Andrew’s eyes as well. But the other thing Alex immediately noticed was that the closeness between the two angels had been rededicated. There were many shared glances during dinner and tender touches being shared between them and though Alex could sense a struggle, Monica ate every bite of her dinner and then offered to do the clearing up.

Seeing that Andrew was about to insist that he do it, Alex quickly cut in, "I’ll help her, Andrew. You and Paul go discuss man stuff, that we would know nothing about," She winked in their direction, enjoying her husband’s eye rolling display.

"Come on, Andrew. Let’s go talk about tools and football as we’ve been instructed."

Andrew smirked and then turned to his wife, who was just reaching to collect up their plates. His hand against her cheek stopped her activity as she looked up at him, "Not too much, angel, okay?"

"I won’t," She replied softly, "We’re just going to clear up and then maybe talk a bit," Monica had been able to sense that Alex wanted to get her alone.

He nodded his head and then bent to kiss her gently, "I love you, baby."

She resisted the urge to cry and managed to smile up at him instead. He had always been openly affectionate with her, but now there was so much more to it and remembering how she had found him earlier today caused her heart to clench. "I love you too," Monica whispered, taking his hand from her cheek and kissing his palm before he followed Paul out the door.

Drawing in a deep breath to calm herself, Monica resumed collecting the plates and carried them to the sink where Alex took them from her and only then did the angel realize that her friend had already cleared the rest of the table and wiped it down, "Alex-."

"Sit," The agent replied and Monica instantly recognized the "big sister, no argument" tone of her voice. Alex made sure she had sat back down before she finished putting the dishes in the dishwasher and closed it. She had been so hesitant to call her friend earlier but now that she was here she wanted nothing more than to know how she was doing. "If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine," she began as she joined Monica at the table, "but I want you to know that if you need to, I’m here."

"It’s been a rough day," She began, deciding to allow the topic. After all, it was all she had been able to think about and it was clear that Alex was concerned, "But I guess you know what the verdict will probably be."

"Yes. Andrew told Paul and Paul filled me in on the way here," Reaching across the table, she laid her hand over Monica’s, "I’m so sorry, honey. I know it wasn’t what you were hoping for."

Lowering her eyes, she shook her head, "No, it wasn’t. It wasn’t what either of us were hoping for and I reacted badly to the news…"

"Well, of course you did! Monica, you expect so much from yourself! If it were me, I’d of been throwing things and poor Paul probably would have been sleeping in the garage out of fear for his safety!"

She smiled faintly, but then her eyes turned pained once more, "I did throw some things, they just weren’t physical objects, but they hurt Andrew just the same. Everything is fine now, but I still feel terrible," Alex’s eyes widened at the sight of the tears welling up in her friend’s eyes, "I can’t help wondering…I mean…I never in a million years would have thought it to be possible to become pregnant. Every wife dreams of being able to give that news to her husband, right? To be able to give them the gift of a child? The night I told him, it was one of the happiest moments of my existence. I love him so much and here…" Her hand moved down over her belly as tears began to slide down her cheeks, "Here is the result of that love and now… now there’s something wrong with her, Alex, that not only puts her in danger, but me as well and Andrew… I guess, I feel like I’ve done something wrong…maybe I haven’t taken good enough care of myself or something…why would I be allowed to give him something that could only hurt him in the end?"

"Oh sweetie, no…" Tears flooded her own eyes as she moved from the chair to kneel in front of Monica’s, taking her hands into her own, "None of this is your fault. They don’t even know what causes hydrops to occur," She noticed her friend’s confused expression and she smiled through her tears, "Yes, I’ve been reading up on the subject."

"You…you have?"

"Of course I have! Monica, you’re my best friend and I want to know what you are facing, so I can be there to help you and reassure you. I’ve learned enough to know that nothing you could have done could have stopped this, honey. I know enough to know that you both could very well do fine with surgery," She lowered her voice and continued softly, "And I know enough to know that Andrew loves you and this baby so much that he wouldn’t trade it. He would never wish, even in the worst of circumstances, that you had never become pregnant."

"I just…I just wanted everything to be perfect," They were both crying and Alex reached for the tissues to move them closer.

"And no matter what happens, Monica, things will be perfect again. The love you two share, guarantees that and you know that as well as I do."

Handing Alex a tissue, Monica then wiped at her eyes, for the first time wanting to giggle, "Why are you crying?"

"I dunno," She waved the tissue and gave a shrug, "I didn’t want to feel left out," She giggled and Monica joined in shakily, "I wanted to call you earlier today but didn’t want to upset you. I know it was hard for you to be around Matthew the other night."

"Oh, Alex, no! Please don’t feel that way and don’t not bring him around. I love him and would miss him so much," She sniffled and met her friend’s eyes, "Besides, if I have to deal with three months of bed rest, I want to see him…he keeps me amused."

"Funny you should mention that," She had finished wiping at her eyes and tossed the tissue into the trashcan. "I will officially be a stay at home mother by then, so when you get out of the hospital and Andrew is ready to go back to work, I can be here every day while he is gone. I have already decided to teach you to quilt and that will help keep you busy and I can bring Matthew along. We’ll have some girl bonding time and hopefully I will not make you too crazy."

"You could never make me crazy," Monica said with a still teary smile.

"Oh yeah? Wait until I start picking on how you cut fabric!"

Chapter 7

Andrew’s nerves were on edge and even he recognized how jittery he was as he put the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher. For the past week he and Monica had made a deal to only talk about what was wrong with the baby for an hour a day. For an hour they could talk and worry about what was to come, but for the rest of the day they tried to keep busy with other things. He helped her finish the Christmas wrapping. They went to see the Nutcracker ballet at the National Theater. They went to the White House Christmas open house. And every night they fell asleep in each other’s arms, hands linked over Monica’s belly.

A week had helped to numb him to the reality of what was happening in his little family, but that numbness could only last for just so long. Now he was right back in the present, and the present involved going to see the doctor to get the inevitable news that their unborn child needed surgery in order to survive. He had woken up before his wife that morning and just held her, praying to God to spare them both. Soon he would have his answer. He closed the cupboard harder than he meant to and winced at the noise, then wiped the crumbs from the table and tossed the sponge into the sink.

"Monica!" He called from the bottom of the stairs, then checked his watch. It was a long drive to Johns Hopkins and they needed to leave if they were going to make the appointment on time. "Monica?" He called again as he started up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

He didn’t even bother going into their room. He knew she wouldn’t be there.

"Angel?" he spoke quietly as he stepped into the nursery and approached her. She was standing by the crib, rearranging the stuffed animals, a small, sad little smile on her face. "Sweetheart, are you ready?"

"Mm-hmm," she nodded as she turned her face to look at him. His arm was around her waist a second later. "I just wanted another few minutes to believe that everything was okay," she said tightly.

"Monica, everything is okay. Everything is going to be fine. You read all the same literature I did. You looked at all the same research."

"I know I did, and I saw all the statistics too. Neither of the surgeries is perfect. The hospital out in California only had three babies out of seven survive."

"We’re not at the hospital in California, and that was almost three years ago. Techniques have improved." Andrew rested his chin on the top of her head and rubbed her back, hoping to ease some of the tension he felt there. None of these words were ones he hadn’t already heard before. In fact he had even said some of them himself.

"If… if she dies… do you think I’ll go back to being an angel right away? Will you?"

These were new words, and they momentarily stunned him.

"Wh-What?"

"Do you think you’d be called right away?" her voice was muffled against his chest. "I don’t know how I could stand that… I don’t think I could… God wouldn’t do that, would He? He knows, doesn’t He? I just finished decorating… and Ray still needs me to co-host, and… and…" Her stuttering words broke down altogether. "I couldn’t be away from you, Andrew… I just couldn’t! I need to see you every day… I need to fall asleep in your arms… I need that now, and if…if we lose her… Oh, Andrew, I’ll need it even more! Angel or not! Please… I know it’s against the rules… but please promise me you won’t go… not even if Tess comes to get you!"

What she was saying had not even crossed his mind, but in an instant he realized that this was something she had been thinking about for more than the past five minutes. What she was saying caused his own heart to clench at the idea that she could be right.

"Monica… baby, I don’t think it will work that way," he said uncertainly.

"Please! Just promise me!"

He held on tighter and kissed her hair. "Of course I promise. Angel, nothing would take me from your side. You don’t even have to ask me that."

His words were strong and definitive. He hadn’t even considered what would happen to them if they lost the baby, but now that he was, he was struck by a new reality. Things had changed and even when they became angels again, they would never be the same. With God’s grace that day would not be for a long time to come, but even if it came tomorrow it wouldn’t matter. He knew in that moment that the days of month long separations were a thing of the past.

"Thank you," Monica whispered, her breathing finally beginning to relax.

"We are going to talk about this again, Monica, but I can tell you right now that you don’t have to thank me." He held her for another minute before she shifted slightly. "Are you okay to go now?"

She nodded against his chest and then pulled back. "I’m ready," she said, and then quickly pressed his hand against the spot on her belly that the baby was kicking. "And I think she’s ready too."

*****

Nearly four hours later, Andrew was struggling to hold himself together as his wife wept softly up against him in the car. Though things were going to go pretty much as they had planned and believed, it was all happening much faster than he would have liked.

The ultrasound had shown that there had been a slight increase in size of the cyst even over the span of just one week and any small thread of hope Monica had been holding onto of just aspirating the cyst were immediately dashed. She had held on bravely however and had listened attentively as they had sat together with Dr. Klein and she had gone over the surgery in great detail, including any and all possible risks and complications. Andrew imagined that to the doctor, Monica seemed a picture of calmness, but she didn’t see the death grip she had on his hand or feel the way her fingers were shaking as he had rubbed his thumb over them.

Due to the growth of the cyst and the increasing danger both to the baby and to Monica, Dr. Klein scheduled the surgery for Friday morning. In three days, the two of them would be back in Baltimore where the two most important people in his world would undergo surgery.

The speediness of it had hit them both like a freight train, though Andrew kept trying to tell himself that it was the better alternative to waiting and worrying for a week or more, but Monica’s soft, frightened sobs now made that harder to believe. She had held herself together beautifully until they had reached the car and as soon as they had gotten in, she had all but collapsed up against him and he was having great difficulty trying to find words around the tightness in his throat.

"I know, baby," He whispered, his hand running over her arm soothingly and he hoped she wouldn’t detect that he was shaking slightly, "Shhh, angel. Please sweetheart, try to calm down."

"I…I’m sorry…it’s just…I hoped…." Monica buried her face against his chest and felt his hand stroking through her hair.

"I know, baby. I hoped for something different too, but we have to trust that God is going to take care of both of you," He knew he was trying to convince himself of that as well and would continue to do so the whole time Monica was in surgery.

Drawing in a deep breath, the little angel tried to stop her tears and she pulled away slightly to look up at him through reddened eyes. "I’m so sorry," she whispered brokenly, her voice catching. "I didn’t want you to have to go through this…"

"Monica," His hand was immediately against her cheek, "Angel, none of this is your fault and if you have to go through it, then there is nowhere else I want to be than with you."

"I know, but…you’ve been through enough heartache because of me to last several lifetimes, Andrew. I just…I wanted to get things right this time…"

Andrew pulled her back into his arms as she started to cry again, "You’re talking nonsense, baby and we both know it. You have blessed me so much, Monica, every day we have been together for as long as I can remember. My hurting because of you is because of how much I love you and always have…" He pulled away and raised her head with his fingers beneath her chin, "And always will. We’re going to get through this, angel. I promise you that."

She looked up at him for a long moment, before nodding her head, "I love you," She whispered as he moved his hand to swipe at her tears.

"God brought us here, sweetheart, and He will bring us through it. We have to trust in that," He watched as she nodded once more and seeing that she was calmer, he then started the car, "Do you feel like you can eat?"

Monica wanted to say no, but with only three days, she knew she needed strength to at least be physically as strong as she was able to be, "Yes. Didn’t Paul suggest a place?" She asked, leaning back into her seat, one hand resting protectively against their daughter.

"Yeah, he did and I think a little down time before the drive home is in order." As he pulled out of the parking lot, he reached for her hand and brought it to his lips, before guiding it down against his leg, feeling her small fingers curl around his own.

*****

The restaurant wasn’t busy as the lunch rush was already finished by the time they had arrived and when Monica slipped into the restroom to wash her face, Andrew took the opportunity to call Paul to fill him in on what the plans were. By the time he hung up, he had a feeling that Paul and Alex would both be taking off work to follow them down early Friday morning.

Looking up, he saw his wife approaching and he stood up to pull out her chair for her, waiting until she was comfortable to sit back down and immediately take her hand back in his own, "How are you doing, baby?"

Her mind was still reeling, trying to go over everything she needed to do before Friday. She needed to call Ray to update him and most importantly, she had not yet found the one perfect gift for Andrew for Christmas. She had a few things for him, but she still felt as if something was missing. She already knew that the holiday was going to be spent in a hospital room and the rest of her pregnancy, providing the baby survived would be spent in bed to try to avoid premature labor as much as possible. So she had two days to get everything she would have had three months to do, done, "A bit overwhelmed," Monica admitted after a moment, "I feel like there is so much to do and no time to do it in."

"We’ll work it all out, angel, and I’m sure Paul and Alex will help with whatever we need them to do. They’ve already said as much."

"I feel badly about you having to spend Christmas at the hospital," She admitted sadly, reaching for a sip of her water. Her nerves had her mouth feeling excessively dry, yet her throat still felt so tight it was hard to swallow.

"As long as I’m with you, I’m happy, no matter where we spend it," Andrew assured her steadily.

"How much time can you get off work?"

"As much as I need, so don’t worry about that."

A tiny smile flitted across her face, "Have I told you in the last five minutes how much I love you?"

His eyes warmed at her words and he moved his other hand to cup hers, "Not in the last five minutes, no, but I always see it in your eyes, baby."

*****

By the time they started the long drive home Monica was slightly calmer, and she had even her stopped going over her mental checklist. She was simply too exhausted, emotionally and physically. She watched the scenery fly by as they drove along the highway. The city gave way to smaller suburbs and even patches of forest. She must have dozed off for a short while, because she didn’t remember anything else until the lights of DC were suddenly before them. The shortened days made even four o’clock dark and the city took on a mythical quality, silhouetted against the blue-black sky. It seemed a whole different world, at that moment, and Monica felt as if she and Andrew were suddenly completely separate from it. She reached out to touch his hand and a swell of relief rose in her breast when he curled his fingers around hers.

"Sleep well?" he asked, his features highlighted by the headlights of the car behind them. The harsh light revealed tired lines she hadn’t noticed before.

"I think so," she replied. "At least, I don’t think I had any bad dreams."

"No, you were very still."

She wanted to unfasten her seatbelt and snuggle up beside him, but she contented herself with the feel of his hand. "I think you should go to work tomorrow," she said. It was something she had been thinking about since her lunchtime bout of listmaking. She needed to get his present and that wasn’t going to happen if he was with her the whole time.

He turned to her briefly before returning his attention to the road. "What? What are you talking about?"

"Andrew, you’ve been gone for a week and I’m sure there are things you need to settle before taking even more time off."

He shook his head. "Nope. Taken care of. Paul already said that it’s not a problem."

Monica bit her lower lip thoughtfully. This was not going as easily as she had thought it would. She finally decided that honesty was the best route. "Andrew… I want you to go to work."

Even in the dim light she saw his face take on a tight, troubled expression and she quickly squeezed his hand.

"This is not me pushing you away," she insisted.

"It isn’t?" his said doubtfully.

"I’ve already learned my lesson about that, Andrew. More than once actually," she said with a touch of exasperation, remembering the early days of their relationship.

"Then what is it? I would have thought you’d want us to be together…"

She let out a frustrated little sigh. No, this definitely wasn’t going as planned. "I just have some things I need to do."

"Well I can drive you where ever you need to go," he insisted.

Clearly this was what Alex meant when she said that sometimes husbands were the most clueless creatures on the planet. "Actually, I was going to get Alex to take me," she said.

Andrew still didn’t like the sound of it, but decided not to push anymore. No, he’d just grill Alex later. "All right, if that’s what you want. Why don’t you get together with Alex in the morning and then I’ll meet you for lunch. Will that be enough time?"

Considering that she still didn’t have an inkling of what to get him she really wasn’t sure. "Umm… I think so," she hedged.

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, suspicion raising up a notch. "Well, if you need more time you can go off again after lunch, but you shouldn’t tire yourself out too much."

"Don’t worry about that," she replied. "I’m going to be spending the next three months in a bed. I think I’ll be plenty rested."

He let out a little chuckle, then realized that it was the first time that he had been able to take anything about this situation lightly. "You may have a point," he agreed. "Of course the plus side to that for me is that I know you won’t be stumbling into any more danger." His quirky grin flitted across his lips, but it was enough for Monica to roll her eyes. Her tiny fist was connecting with his arm a second later. "Ow!" he cried out, rubbing the spot with his other hand. "See, this is why I don’t want you spending too much time with that Alex. She’s a bad influence on you," he joked.

Monica giggled and quickly leaned over to kiss his cheek. "Don’t worry, I’ll kiss it and make it better later."

"Hmm. I guess that will have to do."

They rode the rest of the way in companionable silence but both still harbored anxious thoughts in their hearts. A few minutes of joking and teasing were good, but they couldn’t wipe away the fact that things were really far from normal. At the same time, they were both beginning to realize that if they wanted to get through this whole, then they had to at least try to hold onto the playful part of their relationship along with everything else.

*****

"Paul and I will be following you guys to Baltimore on Friday," Alex remarked casually as she and Monica wandered the fairly busy shopping mall. Granted it was less busy than on a weekend, but with just under two weeks until Christmas, it was still relatively crowded.

If Monica was surprised by the news, she didn’t show it as she smiled at her friend, "I appreciate that, Alex. I’m thankful that Andrew won’t have to wait alone while I’m in surgery." She left it at that, but inside she was also thankful that their friends would be there for her husband in the event the worst happened and something went drastically wrong.

Clearly able to see the line of tension in the angel’s face, Alex was barely able to stop herself from asking a million questions about how Monica was feeling about all of this, but the morning had been surprisingly light-hearted and relaxed and she didn’t want to change the tone of it. Though she did have a suspicion that her friend was putting on a bit of a display of being calm, cool and collected.

"So what are we looking for again?" She settled on and raised an eyebrow when Monica emitted a tiny laugh.

"I have no idea," She admitted ruefully, "I need a gift for Andrew…a special one. I thought I’d have plenty of time, but as it turns out, that is not the case."

"Well, we’ve been in a dozen stores and you’ve barely looked at anything, so you must have something in mind."

"Not really, but I know I haven’t seen it yet." She stopped walking for a moment to catch her breath. She was growing tired from so much walking but she knew she couldn’t leave here today without a gift.

Noticing her weariness, Alex took her arm and steered her over a lounge area in the center of the mall, "Let’s talk about it while you take a little rest, little mommy."

Knowing better than to argue, Monica actually felt relieved when she was finally able to sink down into a sofa and Alex joined her, her arms laden with shopping bags. At least one of them had been successful.

"So, what kind of gift are we looking for? Practical, like a drill? Something sexy like some silk boxers?" She winked playfully but Monica was already shaking her head and for the first time Alex noticed a bit of apprehension in her eyes, "Well, we have the whole mall-."

"I don’t think I’m going to find his gift here," She remarked quietly with a little sigh.

"You couldn’t ask for a better assortment of stores, honey. Nordstroms, Lord and Taylor, Crate&Barrel…"

"Alex, it has to be perfect…it has to be right…" Monica felt herself beginning to panic. What if she couldn’t find "it", whatever "it" was? She was running out of time.

"Sweetie, what is it?" Alex reached for her hand. The little angel looked like she was about to cry.

"It’s more than just a Christmas present, Alex," she uttered tearfully as she looked over at her friend and saw the worried and confused expression on her face. "Alex, it has to be perfect, in case… in case something goes wrong during the surgery and I’m not there when he opens it."

Alex felt as if she had just been punched in the stomach as Monica showed her the depth of her fear, "Don’t you say that, Monica! Don’t you even think it!"

"Why? Wouldn’t you?" Her dark eyes were tortured and accusing, "It’s a risky surgery, Alex, for both the baby and I and in the worst case scenario, Andrew could lose everything. The doctor went over all the risks and I have to think about it! The chance may be slim that I could die, but it is a risk just the same."

"Nothing’s going to happen to you," Alex insisted, though for the first time she felt the niggling of doubt deep in her stomach. Monica had planted the thought and even she knew it was a valid one.

"We don’t know that for sure," Monica whispered, blinking back tears, determined to stay strong. She could never allow Andrew to see this. He was worried enough about her, "So his gift has to be perfect. I want him to know how much I love him…how much I will continue to love him until God lets us be together again."

Alex locked her jaw as she stared out into the mall, trying to get her own emotions under control enough to speak, "Well, considering how long you’ve known each other, we should be able to think of something." She finally said, though her tone was much quieter.

Monica took in a deep breath, hating the fact that now Alex was upset, but on the same token it had felt good to confess her deepest fear to someone. Alex was right, she and Andrew had known each other for centuries. Certainly something from all that time could give her an idea.

She sat up straighter as an idea began to form in her mind. It would take a bit of time, but if she worked after lunch and maybe tonight after Andrew went to sleep…"I need Tess," She said, her voice holding a tinge of excitement, "I know what to do now, Alex!"

Before Alex could answer, she looked up and was unable to resist a smile at seeing the older angel walking towards them, but her smile soon faded. Was Tess’ presence for this gift proof that something could go wrong? Alex could barely fathom it and she certainly didn’t want to accept it.

"Hello, babies," Tess smiled as Monica got to her feet and threw her arms around her, holding onto her tightly, "I have exactly what you need, baby. You just get the rest of the supplies and I can meet you at home after your lunch with Andrew."

"Thank you," Monica whispered, unwilling to let go of her former supervisor and also unable to resist her next question, "Tess…do you…do you know anything about how this will all turn out?"

"No, sweetheart," She replied softly, pulling back enough to look into Monica’s weary eyes, "But I can tell you that the Father is watching over all three of you and I don’t need to tell you how much He loves you."

Tears clung to her lashes as she nodded her head and let out the breath she had been holding in, "Okay. There’s nothing more I can really ask for then."

Alex watched the exchange through blurred vision. She had been hoping for a more definitively positive response from Tess and the fact that the angel didn’t know only added to her concern. The thought of losing her best friend nearly broke her heart and if it made her feel that way, she could only imagine what it would do to Andrew.

*****

"Knock, knock?" Paul tapped lightly on the edge of Andrew’s cubicle. "It’s almost lunchtime."

Andrew looked up at him from the small stack of papers he had been idly shuffling through. It was evident that his mind had not really been on his work. The screensaver on his computer had been on for at least fifteen minutes, and his coffee had barely been touched.

"Yeah, I’m ready," he said slowly. "Hopefully Monica is too… wherever she went."

Paul raised one eyebrow as he looked at his friend. "Hey, what’s wrong? You know she’s with Alex."

"Yes, but she didn’t tell me where they were going, and with everything going on… I know her, Paul. I’m afraid she’s might try some last ditch effort to avoid this surgery."

Letting out a short laugh, Paul patted him on the shoulder. "You’ve got nothing to worry about, buddy."

"It isn’t funny, Paul," Andrew snapped.

"Oh yes it is," Paul shot back, still smiling. "She went shopping you big, brooding, bastard."

"Shopping?"

"Yes. Shopping. Alex told me last night. I guess she was looking for something for you. From the way Alex told it, it sounded like Monica practically had to beat you over the head with subtle hints to get you out of her hair. I guess you still didn’t catch on, eh?" He was still chuckling, but he was also sympathetic to the fact that this had obviously been bothering Andrew all morning.

Andrew let out an impossibly long sigh as he closed the top file and shook his head. "Shopping," he muttered under his breath.

"Sorry, buddy, but think of it this way, aren’t you glad you didn’t worry about it all day?"

Cocking one eyebrow, Andrew stood up and shut off his computer. "Let’s just go to lunch."

Chapter 8

It was snowing on the drive to the hospital, but it was a wet, slushy, depressing snow that splattered against the windshield and sloshed out from under the wheels. Monica was staring straight ahead, just concentrating on keeping herself breathing steadily in and out, in and out. Her heart was pounding and every moment she was sure she was going to have to tell Andrew to pull over so that she could throw up.

Andrew’s hands were white on the steering wheel, and he had to keep swallowing to keep the knot in his throat from pushing out into a helpless cry. He had avoided looking at her, but now he chanced a glance in her direction and felt his heart seize at the terrified look in her eyes. He reached out to capture her hand and held on as if for dear life.

They had spent most of the night lying awake wrapped together with barely a breath between them, repeating words of love, over and over again, and trying to reassure each other that everything would be all right. However, in the cold, bleak light of day those words seemed like whispers from another lifetime. Now, they had to rely on touch alone to convey the love that flowed so strongly from one heart to the next.

Pulling up to the hospital, Andrew finally spoke when he saw a tear escape from beneath Monica’s dark lashes. "It’s going to be okay," he whispered. "You may not be able to feel me, but I am in your heart, right now, and I’m not leaving. Whatever happens, baby, I’m going to be right beside you the whole time."

She nodded wordlessly at first and then squeezed his hand hard. "I know that, Andrew. I think I’ve known that forever."

Paul and Alex arrived just as Monica was getting settled into her room and prepped for the surgery. They were only able to see her for a few short minutes, but that was all they needed to be able to tell her that they were going to be praying for her and the baby the whole time she was in surgery. They were about to leave when Monica grabbed onto Alex’s blouse and pulled her back, her eyes leading the woman to bend close.

"If anything happens, Alex… I’m trusting you and Paul… You have to take care of him until… until God brings us together again," the little angel insisted, her expression calm but allowing for no debate.

Alex’s eyes were instantly brimming with tears and she tenderly swept the length of Monica’s hair behind her shoulders. "You don’t have to worry about that, sweetie. We aren’t going anywhere."

A small, contented sigh escaped. "Thank you, Alex."

"No thank you’s required," she said, holding back a sniffle. "I’ll see you in a little while."

Monica bit her lip and nodded, then leaned back against the pillows and waited for Andrew to come back. She didn’t have to wait long. He was opening the door almost before it had time to close behind Alex. A nurse and two orderlies pushing a stretcher followed him.

The nurse was gentle as she inserted the IV needle and hung the bag of fluids. A shot followed, designed to make her relaxed and sleepy before the actual anesthesia was administered. They waited a few minutes as it went to work, with Andrew stroking her face and memorizing each feature for the hundredth time. Checking her watch, the nurse gave a little nod.

"I’m sorry. It’s time," she said, her eyes full of sympathy for the young couple. She knew that even when everything turned out perfectly, these were hard moments.

Andrew leaned close, his face beside hers, his lips against her ear. "I love you, Monica," he whispered, struggling to control his emotions and remain strong. "I’ll love you forever."

Closing her eyes, Monica breathed in the scent of him, and pressed her cheek against his, feeling the warmth of his skin against hers. "Forever and a day," her words were barely a breath, and then Andrew was pulling back reluctantly and watching as the orderlies transferred her to the stretcher and wheeled her out of the room with the nurse at their side.

Andrew stood, staring at the door they had just wheeled his entire life out of for many long minutes, the only sounds in the room that of the clock on the wall and the pounding of his own heart. He knew the surgery was only slated, barring any complications, for about ninety minutes, but the angel already knew it would feel like days, and even if it went perfectly, he also knew that Monica’s road would still be difficult. He had read enough to know that complications could arise in the days following the surgery and he wondered if he would truly rest easily until the baby was safely born.

As much as he longed to hold his daughter, all he wanted right now, was his little wife back in his arms, safe and sound. She had been so strong and so brave, but he had seen the terror in her eyes and it had nearly made him want to weep and he was unable to help but wonder why things always had to be so hard for her. She was the gentlest of souls, yet God kept throwing things at her, or so it seemed, and Andrew couldn’t help but to feel angry.

"Andrew?" Alex poked her head in the door, her blue eyes flickering with concern. She had seen them wheel Monica out nearly ten minutes ago, yet had seen no sign of Andrew, so she had gone in search of him, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," He replied without even thinking about his answer and it was only when he manage to tear his eyes away from the door that he saw the skeptical look on Alex’s face, as well as the tears in her eyes.

"No, you’re not. I think you’re probably more upset than I am, but being a man, you hold it together much better. You and your damn testosterone."

His jaw tightened and he managed to control the surge of emotions that were flowing through him, "I suppose you’re right."

"I’m always right," She managed a tearful grin, but Andrew was unable to even attempt to return it, "She’ll be all right, won’t she?"

"She has to be," Andrew replied after a moment, feeling tears stinging at the backs of his eyes, "I can’t accept any other alternative," He fell silent for another heartbeat and then fixed his eyes on her once more, "She’s worried she won’t survive the surgery, isn’t she? That’s why it was so important she go shopping with you…to get me something in the event…" He couldn’t even say it. The fear alone was embedded deeply in his heart and knowing that she had been harboring that fear but hadn’t lightened her load by sharing it with him was agonizing. For as protective as he was of Monica, sometimes he didn’t think he could hold a candle compared to the things she tried to spare him.

Alex looked like she was about to burst into tears and she barely managed a nod, "I don’t think she wanted you to know. You know Monica. She knew how worried you already were. For as afraid as she was, she still knew you were going to be the one sitting out here waiting. She loves you so much, Andrew…sometimes more than I think you could ever imagine."

He had a feeling he knew exactly how much and the intensity of it caused him to sink down onto the edge of the bed his wife had occupied just minutes ago. Here he had been thinking she had been trying to avoid the surgery, and instead she had been thinking of him and the pain he would be in if anything were to go wrong.

"I love her so much, Alex…if anything happens to her…"

Her tears spilled over as she sat down beside of him and hugged him tightly, "God’s watching over her, Andrew, and the baby as well. And you know as well as I do that even if something does go wrong, she’s a little fighter, that one, and she’ll do anything to stay with you. I think even if God called her Home, she’d very politely tell Him that He was mistaken."

Andrew was unable to help but chuckle, "I think you’re right, Alex," He pulled away and swiped at her tears, "You’re a good friend to her…to both of us and so is Paul. Thank you."

Though her normal response would be to wave off the praise with something quirky, today was not the day for that, "There is nothing we wouldn’t do for you two and that reminds me…I need a key to your house." She already had plans for a very festive holiday homecoming for the two angels who would be spending Christmas in this very room.

Taking his keys from his pocket, he unhooked the brass key from his chain and handed it to her, "Monica packed her keys for some reason, so have mine," He had thought it an odd thing for her to do, until she had informed him that it was a reminder of where she now belonged.

"Everything okay in here?" Paul asked as he opened the door and stepped inside the room, carrying a tremendous vase of lilacs, which he set on Monica’s nightstand.

"Paul!" Alex had to laugh as she shook her head in amazement, "It’s fucking December…where in the hell did you find those?"

"Florist downtown owed me a favor, so I cashed in on it," Though he was looking quite pleased with himself, both Andrew and Alex could see the worry etched into his face.

Letting out a deep breath, Andrew forced himself to relax. Yes, his precious little angel was in surgery, but they were here with friends who loved them and they were all praying for her and for the baby as they were both so important to all who loved Monica. Surely that included God, Himself.

*****

The time passed with impossible slowness and Andrew nearly jumped out of his skin when Dr. Klein finally came into the room nearly two and a half hours later. He was on his feet immediately, trying to read the doctor’s expression, his heart nearly beating out of his chest as he tried to look around her for any sign of the stretcher. He felt Alex immediately take his hand, while Paul’s rested on his shoulder and Andrew felt sure he was going to start demanding answers when the doctor finally spoke.

"The surgery went well, Andrew," She smiled, watching the almost palpable relief that washed over his face.

"Oh thank God…" Alex breathed out the words and clutched the angel’s hand even tighter.

Andrew closed his eyes for a moment, feeling far to emotional to speak as he offered silent thanks to God for sparing his wife and child. When he finally spoke, he had great difficulty keeping his voice steady, "Monica…she’s all right?"

"She’s in recovery now and they’ll be bringing her back here shortly, but she is going to be pretty out of it the rest of the day." Dr. Klein took a seat and motioned for them to do the same, "We were able to remove the cyst and everything else about your daughter looks perfect. Of course, as we discussed, the next seventy-two hours are critical and we’ll be monitoring them both closely for any kind of distress. The terbutaline pump has been inserted and Monica will have to keep that in place until she delivers, but we’ll talk more about that later."

"But she’s waking up?" Paul asked anxiously and Andrew had a feeling he and Monica weren’t the only two who had been doing some reading on fetal surgery.

"She was already trying to ask some questions when I left her. She’ll need you to reassure her that things went well, Andrew, as she’ll probably be feeling anxious and agitated from the anesthesia, but with all that said, just between us, I’m feeling very optimistic."

"That’s good to know," Andrew admitted, feeling as if for the moment at least, the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders.

Dr. Klein laid a kind hand on Andrew’s arm. "I’ll be checking on her a little later. Until then, I know she’ll be in good hands."

"The best," Paul interjected, a grin that could most easily be described as goofy spreading across his face. The news that Monica and the baby were safely through the surgery was such a relief that it was almost as if a huge breath of air had been forced into the room, pushing out the cloud that had hung over them all.

"I’ll go see what’s keeping them," Dr. Klein said with an easy smile, and then she gave Andrew’s arm another squeeze and headed back down the hallway.

"Did you hear that?" Alex said happily as she turned and gave Andrew a little kiss on the cheek, "Everything looks good!"

Andrew smiled back but he couldn’t muster the same enthusiasm as his friends. That would have to wait until after he had seen his wife. Thankfully the wait was short as less than fifteen minutes later the door was pushed open by one of the nurses and the same orderlies who had wheeled her away, brought Monica back into her room.

Andrew struggled to keep from pushing past them and gathering her into his arms. Instead he stood back against the wall with Paul and Alex as she was transferred to her waiting bed and then hooked up to machine after machine. There was a heart monitor for her, and the fetal monitor for the baby, then two different IV’s, one for pain medication and the other for fluids. Finally the small terburtaline pump was nestled next to her hip. Then the nurse straightened her blankets and gave a little nod to Andrew and the others, telling them to call if she needed anything.

"We’ll give you a little time alone," Paul said quietly as he gripped Andrew’s shoulder. He and Alex then slipped from the room after pausing briefly to touch Monica’s hand and just assure themselves that she was there.

He hadn’t been expecting this. He hadn’t been expecting her to come back looking so tiny and frail. He hadn’t expected her to be dwarfed by the machines beside her and he hadn’t been expecting the soft, steady beeps from the twin monitors to bring such relief and at the same time such worry. He almost had to force himself to pick up her delicate hand, the skin so pale it was almost translucent.

Monica hadn’t said anything since her arrival, but her head had been moving restlessly against the pillow and she was clearly struggling against the drug induced sleep.

"Angel," he whispered, leaning close to her face. "Monica, I’m here. I’m here and you’re all right."

A small moan escaped her lips as she tried to shift position, and Andrew quickly reached up to touch her cheek. "No, baby. Don’t try to move. Shhhhh. It’s okay. C’mon, baby, open your eyes."

With nearly impossible slowness the dark lashes fluttered and then her dark eyes opened just a sliver. Her breath was slightly labored and she swallowed and grimaced as if in pain. Andrew felt his stomach twist and held her hand tighter.

"A-Andrew," she breathed. "You’re here?"

"Of course I’m here, angel. I’m not going anywhere."

Her eyes opened wider as she seemed to recall things in bits and pieces. "The surgery! I… I tried to ask… she said…"

"Everything went well," he reassured her, easing the tension from her face with the touch of his hand. "The doctor said you’re quite the trooper," he said with a wan smile.

Monica threatened to pull out one of her IVs as she tried to move her hand to her stomach, and Andrew had to gently take her by the wrist and ease it back to her side.

"How… how is she? Is she all right?" she asked and the desperation in her voice went directly to Andrew’s heart.

"She’s perfect, Monica. Dr. Klein removed the cyst and she says she’s perfectly healthy otherwise."

A long, slow sigh and then Monica closed her eyes for a moment. She opened them again to meet Andrew’s gaze. "And you? You’re okay?"

He almost laughed at the absurdity of it. "Yes, baby. I’m fine."

"I was worried," she said softly, her mind still drifting. "I didn’t want to leave you all alone."

"Shhh… I know. I know." The tears stung his eyes and he blinked them away. "You’re not going anywhere now. I’m not even letting you out of my sight."

Smiling weakly, she replied, "Good… I’m glad." The smile was wiped away an instant later by a flinch and Andrew instinctively squeezed her hand.

"Does it hurt too badly? I can get a nurse. They can up the medication."

"No… no," she replied, shaking her head. "It isn’t good for the baby. I’m fine. It’ll pass."

He could see that she was battling against not only pain but exhaustion as well, and he tenderly brushed the hair from her face and kissed her lightly on the lips. "You should sleep, Angel. You need to get your strength back."

She looked at him somewhat apologetically, "I’m very tired," she admitted.

"Then close your eyes. Close your eyes and sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll be here the whole time."

Her eyes closed, but then she whispered, "I love you, Andrew."

He swiped angrily at his eyes and replied, "I love you too, Monica," but she was already asleep.

He watched over her for the next few hours as she slept, even as Alex and Paul came and went from the room. They were going to stay overnight in a hotel and then head back later tomorrow, but they wanted to see Monica before going home, when she was more coherent. Though grateful for their presence, Andrew had trouble taking his eyes from the little angel’s face and he refused to release her hand even when his back began to ache from sitting up in the chair for hours.

True to Dr. Klein’s words, Monica remained relatively incoherent, often waking enough to murmur things about the baby or him, occasionally small cries of pain that pierced his heart and brought tears to his eyes. She was restless and Andrew constantly had to stop her from reaching for her stomach and he could clearly sense her frustration. Finally, he laid a hand against her face, watching as her movement stilled.

"Rest, baby," He whispered, his lips brushing up against her forehead, "All is well, angel. You’re safe, our daughter is safe and I’m here watching over you both…just like I always will be."

Her murmuring stopped with his words and she slipped into a deeper sleep, some of the tension easing from her face. Andrew let out a breath he felt as if he had been holding. He felt as if for the first time since becoming human, he had seen a glimpse of her soul through her drug induced ramblings as she spoke of her love for him and of her fear of leaving him. All he wanted to do was to pull her into his arms and hold her, but it just wasn’t possible and he realized it would be a long time before he would even be able to make love to her again. But it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that she was still here.

He must have drifted off to sleep sometime during the night, because the next thing he knew, the dawn was just beginning to break across the winter sky and he realized that what had woken him up was Monica tearfully calling out his name.

"Angel?" His head shot up as he looked down at her, seeing the path her tears had made down her face, "Baby, what is it? Is it the pain? Do you want me to call for a nurse?"

Her pain-filled dark eyes were shining with tears as she forced herself to speak, "The baby? Why isn’t she moving, Andrew? She’s so still…she always moves…Andrew, why isn’t she? What’s the matter with her?"

"Shhh," Andrew was immediately wiping away her tears just as new ones replaced them, "She’s fine, baby. She’s healing, just like you are is all. She’s okay, Monica. She’s okay."

"Are you sure?" Her voice caught in a little sob that sent waves of pain through her, "How can you be sure?"

Pointing to the two heart monitors, he waited until her weary eyes followed his movement, "Because this one is hers, sweetheart, and her little heart is beating sure and steady. See? She’s fine, angel, only resting."

Her breathing slowed as she watched the monitor and a moment later, her heart had taken on the same rhythm. "Thank you…" She whispered, her eyes returning to his face.

Andrew smiled softly, his soft hand caressing her cheek, "How are you feeling, baby?"

"Hurts…" Monica replied honestly.

"I know, angel and I’m sorry…"

"You don’t have to be sorry," She replied with a tiny grin, "You didn’t cut me."

But his green eyes remained serious even though even the little smile warmed his heart, "I don’t like to see you in pain, Monica. I’ll call for the nurse…"

She was already shaking her head, "No, please don’t. If I have more pain medication, then so does she. It’s tolerable, Andrew, honest it is."

He didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t push her, "I want you to tell me if it gets any worse."

"I will."

He moved to kiss her softly, a finger tracing along her cheek bone, "I love you so much, baby…just so incredibly much."

Fresh tears glistened in her eyes as her throat grew tight and her words were barely audible, "I’m so glad I’m here to hear you say that."

Andrew closed his eyes briefly, fighting off his emotions, "So am I, angel. Monica, you have no idea."

"I was so scared…"

"I know, baby. Alex told me how afraid you were. You should have shared that fear with me, sweetheart."

The feel of his hand brushing through her hair felt like a little taste of heaven, "You were afraid enough. You didn’t need mine too."

"Angel," Andrew captured her eyes with his own, "Don’t you realize by now that I want to share everything with you? Even the things that are hard, Monica, even the things you are most afraid of."

Monica closed her eyes for a moment, thinking about his words, "Can I tell you that I’m still scared?"

His heart clenched as he gave her hand a little squeeze, "I know you are and I am too, but you’re both here with me and Dr. Klein said you were both doing well when she stopped in last night. Let that be enough for right now, baby. We’ll let tomorrow take care of itself and no matter what it brings, we’ll deal with it together."

She brought up her free hand to cover his, "Okay," She consented softly, "As long as I have you, I can do that."

"You’ve always got me, angel. Forever."

"And a day," She quipped softly and this time, he returned her smile.

*****

Paul had his eyes focused on the road, dodging in between cars as he made the short trip back to the hospital. The previous day’s snow had left everything a mess, and he was in no mood to be dealing with it.

"Did you see how small she looked?" Paul asked, slamming on his breaks to avoid hitting an SUV that had suddenly decided that their lane looked much better.

"She’s always looked small," Alex replied, trying to be pragmatic. Just having Monica through the surgery had been enough to lighten her heart, but Paul was unconvinced.

"Not like this. She looked like a damn pincushion with all those wires and needles."

"I’m sure they’ll be taking those off before long. She’s awake now, so one of the IVs will go at least."

"I just can’t stand seeing her like that," Paul muttered.

Alex’s hand on his knee forced a tired sigh from his chest. "The doctor keeps saying that she’s doing well."

"Yeah, I know…"

"Then what is it? She’s got the best doctors, she’s got Andrew, and she’s got God. I’d say that’s a pretty impressive back-up crew."

He shook his head, knowing the truth of her words and yet unable to shake the uncomfortable feeling that had settled in the pit of his stomach. It was a weight, pulling him down, and he knew exactly why.

"It isn’t that," he admitted reluctantly.

"Then what is it, Paul? Talk to me?"

He turned and met her eyes for an instant. "I look at her lying there, and I see you, baby."

Alex was completely shocked and she stared at him even as he turned his attention back to the road. "Me? What are you talking about? I’m fine, Paul."

"I know you are… that’s what makes this whole thing so damn stupid. I just can’t get the idea outta my head that it could have been you lying there. It could have been Matthew with a problem, and me sitting up all night beside you."

Her hand found his. "But it wasn’t." Her heart was filled with renewed love for this man who had given her so much; the tough guy with the most tender heart she knew.

"I keep telling myself that… and then I keep thinking about all the times I’ve joked with you that I want about five more kids."

She chuckled. "Yeah… sorry, ‘bout that but I’ve told you, I think two or three is my limit."

"No. I don’t want you to even have one more. Matthew is enough. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking about. I don’t want you risking yourself."

"What? Paul, don’t be ridiculous."

Paul turned into a parking spot and jerked to a stop. "It’s not ridiculous," he insisted, looking at her with complete seriousness.

She shook her head and smiled at him sadly. "Babe, I love you for being so sweet, but we cannot let what’s happening here affect how we live our lives. There are risks in anything." She raised one delicate brow, her gaze piercing. "You take a risk every time you go out on a case. But I haven’t ever told you to stop."

"That’s different."

"Not different at all. I want to have more children with you, Paul Gatlin, and I’m not letting fear get in my way. So you’d better get on board."

His solemn expression finally cracked as she continued to stare him down. He rolled his eyes and his mouth softened to a smirk. "Yeah, yeah… Miss Bossy-boots."

"Damn straight. I’ve gotta keep you in line when you start goin’ ‘Andrew’ on me."

He let out a bark of laughter. "Going ‘Andrew’ on you?"

"Well… yes… I love him to death, but you must admit that he has a bit of an over-protective streak."

"Yeah, I suppose you have a point… although most of the time it’s well warranted!"

"Point taken," she agreed with a grin. "And you may be surprised to know that Monica’s is probably just as wide. She’s just a lot more subtle about it."

"Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised at all."

"A match made in Heaven," Alex concluded with a wink.

Paul groaned even as he leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. "Oh, Alex! Could you get a little more corny?"

"Why, yes, I’m sure I could," she replied, "But I save that for when I’m describing us."

Paul felt slightly relieved when he and his wife walked back into Monica’s hospital room that morning. Though still pale, drawn and weary, the little angel was at least sitting at a slight incline, as she attempted breakfast. She seemed to be picking at it, however, despite Andrew’s watchful eye.

"Paul. Alex." Monica smiled at seeing them come through the door as she gave her breakfast tray what she hoped was a subtle push away from her. The anesthesia had left her feeling a bit queasy and combined with her nerves, eating just wasn’t yet feasible for her.

"It’s so good to see you awake, honey," Alex grinned, reaching for her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Absolutely," Her husband agreed, as he leaned down to kiss the angel’s cheek, smiling as a slight blush colored her cheeks for a moment, "How are you feeling, sweetheart?"

"I’m fine, Paul. Really."

"Don’t let her fool you," Andrew replied, looking at her sternly, "She’s in pain and stubborn." His words were softened by a touch to her face, knowing that after all she had been through and the fact of how relieved he was she was awake, he really couldn’t bear to scold her properly.

"Monica, they won’t give you anything that the baby can’t handle…" Alex began, sitting down in the other chair near the bed.

"She’s had enough to contend with," She interrupted quietly, "Though there was no choice in the matter as it had to be done, she does have a choice now and I’m making it for her. Though it may not hurt her, it can’t be good for her either."

"Eating your breakfast might be good for her," Paul mused, catching her eye.

Monica let out a tired sigh, "I’m feeling a little sick on my stomach this morning, Paul. That’s all. Hopefully it will be gone later." She was still feeling edgy and right now, she felt fussed at, though she knew her friends meant well. They were just looking out for her, but right now she was tired, worried and very aware of needles being stuck into her body. She could barely move, but was managing not to complain as this was going to be her life, for the most part, for the next three months. The thought was nearly overwhelming.

"You need to try to eat lunch regardless. You need to keep your strength up and hers."

"I know, Paul and I will."

Alex ventured a glance at Andrew and could tell that he was also aware that the little angel was struggling not to cry at the moment and she imagined her husband could use a little crash course in after surgery etiquette. "All this talk of food is making me hungry and we didn’t have breakfast. Paul?"

"Your love affair with food has yet to cease with no longer being pregnant," Paul remarked as he rolled his eyes, "Okay, I get the hint. You don’t have to hit me over the head with a hammer."

"I believe I just did," She winked at him as she stood up, "We’ll be back in a bit. Sweetie, if you want to sleep, then sleep. Please don’t stay awake on our account."

"I think if I want to sleep, there is little choice in the matter right now, Alex," Monica managed a smile as she watched Alex follow her husband from the room, remembering that when they returned she needed to thank Paul for the flowers. As the door closed, she sighed and closed her eyes briefly.

"Feeling a little picked on, baby?" Andrew’s voice was gentle and soothing, but all she could manage to do was nod, "They’re just worried about you, angel."

"I know…" Her voice was tight and very, very small.

Andrew frowned, knowing her well enough to know when she was very upset and he had a feeling it had little to do with anything Paul or Alex had said in their concern, "Sweetheart, what is it?"

She blinked back tears and shook her head, "It’s nothing. I’m just feeling a little emotional is all…"

"Monica. This is me you’re talking to. The one who loves you more than life itself, remember?"

Smiling faintly at him, she squeezed his hand, "I remember."

"So, talk to me, baby. I know you must be feeling rotten physically, but this is something more than that," Andrew rubbed his thumb lightly over her hand, once again, wishing he could wrap her up in his arms.

She turned her head on the pillow to look into his eyes, "I just….I feel so overwhelmed by everything right now, Andrew. I don’t want to do anything wrong or anything to endanger her as she is so fragile right now… and… and I worry that by the time she gets here, I’ll be so weak from lying around that I won’t even be able to take care of her properly…"

"And that is why you have me," Andrew interrupted softly, holding her teary gaze, "You’ll get your strength back, baby and I’ll be right there to help you until you do."

"I can’t imagine lying around for three months, but I know I have to," Monica whispered sadly, "I don’t…I don’t want to be a burden to you for all that time-."

"Monica!" His eyes widened, wondering where she came up with some of the things she felt, "You could never be a burden to me, even if you tried. You’re carrying my baby and you are sacrificing everything. If the tables were turned, I could only hope that I could do it with the grace and patience that you will." Dr. Klein had warned him about this. She had told him in her phone call last week that even if the surgery went perfectly, everything was going to take an emotional toll on his wife.

"But you’ll have to do everything…you’ll have to work and do all the cooking and-."

"And I’m up for the task, angel. To take care of you is a privilege, Monica and one that I am grateful to be allowed."

She gave the tiniest of smiles and let her head rest back against the pillows. "I’m so lucky to have you," she murmured.

"I’m the lucky one, Monica. I know you may never agree with me, but it’s true." He kissed her gently and his hand lingered against her cheek. "Try to rest now. You need your rest."

"You won’t let them leave without waking me, will you? I know what they said, but I still need to thank Paul, and I want to remind Alex that Lucy only likes the food in the teeny tiny cans." The Gatlins were watching Lucy and somehow Andrew wasn’t surprised that Monica’s thoughts were drifting to concerns about everything other than her own condition.

"No, sweetheart. I’ll wake you before they leave."

She held his gaze for a long time, completely silent, before she finally allowed her eyes to slide shut. Her breathing evened out in sleep and grip on his hand relaxed, but Andrew was unable to release it. He watched the gentle up and down motion of her chest and the small blips on the monitors. For the moment all was well in his little world.

*****

The next few days passed with a sort of grim regularity. Nurses came and went refilling IVs and checking vitals. Doctor Klein checked in frequently, showing Andrew how to give Monica the shot in her thigh that refilled the terbutaline pump. Eventually Monica would be able to do it herself, but at the moment she still couldn’t even sit upright.

She continued to argue against any pain medication until one meeting with Dr. Klein. She was checking the incision and pressed lightly against Monica’s belly. The little angel couldn’t restrain a cry of pain and Andrew immediately jumped to his feet.

"Monica, you’re still in that much pain?" Dr. Klein asked, concerned. She picked up her chart and started reading it, checking for when the nurse had last refilled her IV.

"It just comes and goes," Monica replied, cutting off her husband before he could say anything to the contrary. She shouldn’t have bothered, because Dr. Klein simply looked up from the chart with one eyebrow nearing her hairline.

"Monica, this says that you’ve been on minimal painkillers since the surgery. Most women need twice that amount."

"Maybe I’m not most women?" Monica suggested with the tiniest of shrugs, still trying to get herself under control as the pain faded to a dull wave.

"And maybe you’re just being stubborn," Andrew finally cut in.

Monica shot him an accusatory look and then turned back to the doctor. "I’m all right, and I don’t want the baby getting anything she doesn’t need."

"Well then, I suggest you start upping your pain meds, because that is what she needs," Dr. Klein insisted.

"What? No. I know all those drugs aren’t good for her," Monica shook her head.

"And neither is the stress you put on yourself when you’re in pain." Dr. Klein pointed to her heart monitor which was just beginning to resume a normal rhythm. "You may not think she can feel it, but your body telegraphs your pain to her as more than just a sensation. If you make yourself feel better I can guarantee that you will be making her feel better."

"Really? You’re sure?" Monica asked, still slightly doubtful.

Dr. Klein smiled good naturedly and patted Monica’s knee. "Yes, I’m very sure. So why don’t I tell the nurse to put you on a self-medicating drip. You can increase the dosage when the pain gets bad, and then leave it at a low level when you’re feeling better."

"That sounds good," Monica replied, letting out a small sigh. She was actually very relieved. She had been holding herself together through sheer strength of will, and knew that it was only a matter of time before Andrew realized that.

"How is she doing otherwise?" Andrew asked, the barest hint of nervousness in his voice.

"I’d say they’re both doing remarkably well," Dr. Klein announced, and that had been enough to make both angels smile with relief.

But that had been two days ago, and now as they reached the one week mark, and moved that much closer to Christmas, Monica was once again feeling less than herself. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to be home for Christmas, but the idea that now Andrew would have to spend it uncomfortably hunched on a hospital chair was the most depressing part.

She had half a mind to insist that he go to the Gatlin’s and at least spend Christmas Eve there, and get a good night’s sleep for a change. However, she knew better than to even voice her idea. Andrew had barely left her sight except to shower, change and grab quick bites to eat. She had at least managed to convince him to sleep on the other bed in the room, but more often than not she woke to find him dozing in the chair, his hand covering hers. It brought a tear to her eye to see the evidence of his love for her so obviously displayed, but it also caused a pang of guilt. She could only promise herself that once she had the baby she would make it up to him.